A Word about Boundaries and Hard Work

Me, my parents and 10 of my siblings at my sister's wedding in 2009

My brothers and sisters have commented before, and I have been asked; with so many children (twelve, 1 who died at age 18), how did my parents manage to keep us all close and faithful to the values we were raised with? On top of that, how is it that so many of us have been successful in our lives? Although we are all different and unique individuals, we hold true to what we were taught at home and strive to live up to the expectations set for us. This is not to say we haven’t had our share of disappointment and adversity or rebellion. Nor have we always seen eye to eye on everything. The values we were taught have stuck though, and any rebellion we had was minimal in comparison to the world’s standards. Why is that? 

My parents are quick to deny credit for the way their children have turned out. My mom generally points out that this is just the way we were sent to them. I beg to differ. I would like to point out a few things my parents did with us to teach us and keep us from rebelling in a major way and what we try to emulate in our own home as we teach and raise our children.

Determine your family values and stick by them. You can find our family values here. My parents always had boundaries for everything. For example, in our home, “shut up” was a swear word and not tolerated. In our home the word “hate” is similarly not tolerated. If the boundaries are set close enough in, when children rebel, they won’t go as far as they would if they were left to the end of the border.

Come down swift and terrible when family values are violated. This does not mean being mean. Have a consequence for when a child violates those family values and then follow through. Try to distance yourself from the emotion. I remember reading an article once that said when your child is resistant and you need to stand your ground, look at them steadily and think of something completely benign like kumquats. (I’m not exactly sure what kumquats are, but think they are some sort of fruit) I find when I do this, I remove myself emotionally from the situation and am able to follow through without the fights. One more example about swift and terrible: when my brother was 16 or 17, he decided to dye his hair. It was a bit of a disaster. His hair turned bright orange. My dad laid into him about representing our family and setting an example for his siblings. He was confined to his bedroom until the hair dresser could be arranged to change his hair back to a more suitable color. It wasn’t the hair color that was necessarily the problem. In fact, my dad admits now that it was actually sort of funny, but it was the principle of rebellion that my dad was coming down hard on. I guess what it comes down to is that strict works. We had strict parents, but they weren’t mean. That is why I love them, respect them and thank them. Because of the strictness of the way, we were directed in the right path and as we grew older, we didn’t depart from it. (Proverbs 22:6) 

Parenting is hard work. Anything that is worth doing well will be hard work. You can’t expect to send your child to school each day and expect them to learn without providing them a teacher. You are their teacher for their values and you have to work hard and help them to stay on the pay. We value families. We spend a lot of time together as a family. We take vacations together. We have family dinner nearly every night. We take outings together and have a family home evening once every week where we teach a lesson about anything from budgeting and finances to temples and being a good friend. We play a game, sing a song or two and have a refreshment. We also have family prayer every morning and most evenings as well as study the scriptures together most evenings. This is all hard work. It means a lot of planning and preparation. No work you do in training your children is ever wasted though. If it doesn’t strengthen them, it certainly strengthens you.

Praise effort in the right direction. Most children desire approval from their parents above all. This is not an area to manipulate or exploit, but is a tool to encourage and motivate a child to make choices in their life that will lead them to success and happiness. When I was a teenager, my dad would often come into the room where I would be practicing the piano. He would lie down on the ground and just listen to me. This was enough motivation for me to not only continue playing the piano, but to begin practicing for many hours at a time, eventually being able to give a senior recital when I was 18 and teach piano lessons to my children and others. It doesn’t often take much encouragement for a child to want to succeed.

Putting in the time and effort to teach your children doesn’t always make you popular. My oldest two were complaining the other day about something they had to do that their friends didn’t need to do. We explained our reasoning including helping them to see down the road several years to where their friends might be compared to where they might be if they followed our counsel and rules. 

My parents taught us all how to be obedient and kept us there until we were old enough to see the wisdom of the path. I do not feel that I was restrained. Quite the contrary; I feel I was able to avoid many of the trials that beset many of my associates. Because of the strictness, I now enjoy much more freedom. I am not afraid of anything coming out of my past (except maybe that embarrassing 6th grade photo). I am not bound by addictions (except perhaps chocolate). I don’t feel like I’ve missed some great opportunity to figure things out on my own by making mistakes because I have made mistakes, heaps of them. I continue to make mistakes, but because of my upbringing, I know how to correct those mistakes and learn from them. This gives me more freedom to learn and go about where I would like. Don’t be afraid of the task and don’t double guess when you have to come down hard when those around you would let it slide. Keep the end goal in mind and follow through. If you’re having a tough time being tough, give yourself a pep talk. I often disappear into the bathroom during a difficult confrontation of wills to look myself in the mirror and say, “Come on Becky. You totally have this. Get out there and do what you’ve been trained to do.” And off I go to tame the ruthless savages once again!

Newton and Parenting

I have been meaning to post for a while now, but schedules get so hectic sometimes, it's difficult to sit still long enough to post anything worth reading. I am in a quiet house now as everyone is away and the 2 little ones are sleeping. This is an unusual occurrence, so I'll take advantage of it.

Newton's First Law of motion states "Every object in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it." That means that if an object is at rest, it won't move unless an external force is used. Sort of like when I need to wake up Ethan for Seminary at 5:45. The external force must change frequently to move those molecules and sometimes creative use of force is needed. I find it interesting that it's not necessarily the physical force that moves the object at rest, but the quiet urging and gentle persuasions that work best. The other part of the law indicates that force is also needed to change a direction or speed of an object. I see this nearly every day with Ammon on the computer. If I ask him to stop what he's doing, he'll always need to finish the game he's on before obeying. But, more seriously, if a child is making poor choices, some force (again, gentle persuasion) will have to be applied before a change can be made.

Now, how can I apply this law to raising my children? Most laws, when understood, help us to live a more meaningful and productive life. Once I truly understood inertia, I could be more patient with my children, understanding that as children they have a difficult time producing the force necessary to change their own action. It also helped me to realize that they truly need my help in changing behavior. The type of force used is not intended to be harsh. If you wanted to move a glass of water without spilling it, you wouldn't shove it, you would push it gently. Because the water wants to stay at rest, if it is pushed quickly, it is likely to spill and make a mess. If you push a child to harshly, you will most likely make a mess.

Any behavior, good or bad is subject to the laws of motion. Generally, a redirection with gentle force is all that is needed to change a negative behavior. For example, my two youngest have had a problem lately with hitting each other. I've let it go too far without taking action and now their inertia is continuing this behavior. I really have to do something about it. Of course, consistency is always key as a parent. Taking into consideration Newton's first law of motion, I need to apply force and stop the behavior immediately when it happens, and then redirect their motion in the right direction. I can do this by reminding them how much they love each other, demonstrating how to share and how to give hugs and touch each other gently.

I love how nature's laws align with the laws of God and the laws of the family. Stay tuned. I'll be posting an article soon about Newton's second and third laws of motion.

Real Life

My good friend, Moko found my blog by doing a search on the Internet about a year or so ago for Jumping Monkeys (go figure!) Anyway, she suggested I blog about the pen marks I recently found on our front room couches. These things become so commonplace at my home, I forget that they can be a source of inspiration for my Blog.

So, Wyatt has been a bit of a terror lately (can we say Terrific Twos?). The following pictures will pretty much sum it up. Love this kid!

My mom has a similar picture of my youngest brother and sister's work .

This is after we had cleaned up most of it. There were marks in every panel down the hallway as well.
I love Magic Erasers!

This is also after I had cleaned up the pen marks on the rest of the couch. I started out using hairspray (which works), but ended up using Exit. I got a free sample from the Rugby club. It works wonders! (I think it's the same stuff as Fels-Naptha)

My good friend, Lauren happened to call me while I was attacking the Sharpie walls. I was not quite composed yet. She was giddy with excitement wondering what an experienced mother would do in such a situation. I am ashamed to say that I had to tell her that I spanked his little bottom! Shocking! Why am I admitting this to all you people? In retrospect, no, this was not the right thing to do, and no, it didn't accomplish anything (although he hasn't since attempted writing on anything besides paper.) I will have to add that I was not at all out of control as I spanked him, I felt I was getting his attention and this would certainly have been devastating to some of my other children who wouldn't need more than a warning. After the initial crying, I sat down with him and hugged him and gave him a piece of paper with a crayon and told him. "You can color on paper, not on the walls or the floor or the couches." I guess I'm still learning, even after 6 kids.

A Child Who Sings is a Happy Child
So, in other news. One of the best talks, in my opinion, during the LDS April 2013 General Conference was the talk given by Elder Falabella on Sunday Afternoon, The Home: The School of Life. In one section, he said one of his wife's mottos was "A child who sings is a happy child". (This may be one of the next mottos to find it's way onto my wall) We have a very musical family. Whistling is huge around here and Ammon is constantly singing. I used to get a little, not annoyed, but a little exhausted with all the singing and whistling. Now, I will never complain again. Every time I hear Ammon singing, I think. Oh... he's happy! Thanks for that!

Getting 7-year-olds to do chores: 
Here's an idea... Ammon loves to play games. If it is not a game, it is drudgery. For this purpose, I have re-instituted a game I invented to get my younger brothers and sisters to clean up. Monster! I pretend to be asleep while they do some task for me, (practice the piano, do a chore, clean their room, leave me alone so I can write a blog...) Then, I wake up snarling and chase them all around the house until I "catch" them and pretend to eat them. They love this game and they get the work done. It didn't work for Ethan, Ashlee or Kyle, but Ammon, Aaron and Wyatt love it! Isn't it great with more kids, I can really try out everything until it works! And, I get to play Monster again (I love being this kind of Monster Mommy!)

The Value of Work

So, I've tried many schemes in the past to help my children appreciate work and money. I think it's important to teach children the value of work along with how to handle finances. Here is a list of some of my past schemes. Some have been more successful than others:

1. Money for chores - As the kids did their chores, I would give them some money. We tried it at one point to have them finish their chores by a certain time. This got really confusing though when I didn't have the money handy, couldn't figure out if they really earned it, and tried to help them break out tithing and savings from it. Also, I found that some days they would just decide they didn't need the money so they just wouldn't do their chores.

2. Money for extra chores - Same as above. I like this a little better, however, because there are certain chores that should be completed as an expectation for living in a family. The extra chores are for when a child has completed all the required chores and would like something extra to do for money. I still have "Money Chores" anytime one of the kids would like to take me up on it. The only problem I have had with this is that most of the time the kids aren't willing to do the extra chores until the hour they need the money. I keep thinking they will learn to do the extra chores when they don't have money when they need it. Not yet. Drat!

3. Allowance - I stopped this when the kids started coming and demanding money from me. I didn't like the idea of them having an allowance without strings attached. They were also starting to act a little spoiled.

4. Contract - This was a great idea for my older kids. I have one that is in a very demanding school. He is not able to work because of the required homework, so we worked out a contract for him of things he needed to do around the home to earn a certain amount of money each week. The idea was that he was going to start paying for his own haircuts, gifts for others, school activities, social activities and other things that would come up. We paid all school fees for him, but he was to give us a set amount each month to cover those expenses as well. It was a great idea but totally failed as he just decided some days to not do some of his chores. Thus, it was difficult to decide if we should still give him a portion of the allowance, and how much to give him.

5. Fraction payments linked to chores - This is the newest scheme I have come up with. I put together a chart. I know you can buy charts that are already squared up, but I just took a posterboard and a yardstick and made my own boxes. Basically, there are certain required things that the children must do, non-negotiable. I've included them on my chart because if they do them with a cheerful attitude they get a point. For each of the assignments, I have decided how many points can be accumulated per week. I add up all the points at the end of the week, divide it by the total amount of points available, then multiply that by the amount the child would earn if they have all the points for the week. This way, I am able to pay a fair price for the chores they do cheerfully. I also keep it up next to the kitchen, where I can monitor it. In the past, we've tried putting charts up on kid's doors, and they tend to get forgotten. (I can't be bothered to walk from room to room with stickers.) This is much more efficient as they just tick off the box if they accomplish it in the day. For my children over 12, they are required to tick their own boxes for the day. That way, there is some responsibility. When the day is over, I lock in their points, so we don't have kids coming back at the end of the week saying, "Well, on Tuesday, I finished my piano." The only issue I have found with this system is that the kids might think I'm paying them to do their regular chores, practicing and homework. I have tried to make it clear that it is a packaged deal. There are certain things that are expected in the family, and if they complete those things, they receive an allowance. If they don't, they get docked. In addition, they are expected to pay a tithe on their earnings, put some into savings and pay for gifts for friends and family and any social activities.

So, this is how the math works. Ethan has the potential to earn $30 per week and has 42 points possible. If he completes 30 points, I divide 30/42 = .71. So he earns 71% of the $30. The equation here is .71*30 = $21.43. I told them I will always round down to the nearest dollar. So, he earns $21 for that week. I hope that makes sense.

Here is a picture of my amazing chart!

Let me know if any of this is helpful and other ideas you have for teaching kids the value of work and money. I think it's important to change things up frequently with chore charts and allowance schemes. Kids generally get a little excited if there is a new program started at home. So, have fun with it. I have found that even though kids complain about doing chores around the home, they are generally cheerful once the chores are completed. Service also tends to breed love, because service is love. When my kids are helping out, they aren't always loving and happy, but I always find it interesting that on the days I have been the most critical about their assignments are the days they come back and shower me with hugs and kisses and "I love you's". Is that weird?