New Paradigms

My children will start a new school year tomorrow. The beginning of the year coinciding with the beginning of a school year gives me an opportunity to think about new beginnings. I always loved the first day of school. I can remember most of them vividly; the anticipation and anxiety, laying out the new clothes, getting the bag packed and thinking about the new friends I would be meeting. I still get a little excited for my kid's first day of school and wonder what they will do this year.

I also like the first day of school because it marks an opportunity to implement "again" some of the great programs, practices and schedules that I have tried before. There is no shame in starting a goal that eventually fizzles. You can always revisit it later and try again. There are a few goals that I generally go back to; living a more healthy life, writing more in my journal (or on a blog), being more consistent in parenting, educating myself. For some reason it still gets me excited to make these goals, even if they do fizzle after a little while or the implementation is a little unrealistic.

Everyone should have an opportunity to feel successful, so when I'm re-establishing my new goals, I start over. All the mistakes I've made in the past don't matter anymore. I am a new person and will start from this point and will be successful in whatever I decide to do. I try to manage my expectations so if I don't quite get everything done that I'd like to do, I can be happy with what I do accomplish. Just because you make a goal and don't quite reach what you're trying to attain doesn't make you a failure. It gets you that much closer to your goal, then you can start over again another time.

So, here's my new paradigm. I was reading an article that my niece, Rachel posted on facebook about a mother's conversation with her 3-year-old daughter who noticed her mother's fat thighs compared to her skinny legs. The mother, at first a bit hurt, tells her daughter that when she was young she had long skinny legs like her daughter and how she felt so pretty and when she got bigger she got beautiful big curves. She told her daughter that someday she would have big, beautiful curves and how wonderful it was that our bodies change over time. What a wonderful message to share with a young girl about how beautiful bodies can be in all their shapes, sizes and ages.

Another paradigm shift is about joy. I've always known that happiness is a choice. So, I always felt guilty when I wasn't happy because I knew it was my own fault. The new me recognizes that there has to be some sadness to experience joy, otherwise you wouldn't know the difference. I've done a few things to help me through the down times though. The best one by far is my "Happy Thoughts" list. Some people call it a Gratitude Journal. Basically, I just keep a list of good things that happen in my life. They are generally one-liners. I don't even date them anymore and I repeat things often like "Seeing my children sleeping peacefully". It's amazing how just looking over these things helps me to focus on the positive in my life.

This year I hope to keep things really positive in our home. I want a home where the Spirit can be felt and where our children want to be and are happy. There is definitely a balance that we are constantly trying to find to keep our home a happy place and according to my new paradigm on joy, we won't always be happy, but if we can maintain the discipline with love, I think we'll find the balance. For the most part, I will be able to have a place where my kids will want to be. I have confidence that I will be successful in all the goals I'm setting for myself this year not because I'll achieve all of them, but because I'm trying to be better. Sometimes just having the desire to change can work miracles.

Time

Ethan calculated the other day there are 8,760 hours in a year. We call him the human calculator.
I've been thinking about time lately and what we do with our time. Often, I seem to run out of time and I wonder if I'm using every hour I have effectively. This is a constant struggle. The best use of our time changes constantly. Here are a few rules, I've learned along the way (or am currently learning).
1. When you have children at home, don't schedule anything for at least 2 hours after lunch. Be at home. Have your kids read if they are older and the younger ones should nap. Quiet time is prime time.
2. Be there when your kids get home from school. Tell them how glad you are that they are home and listen to everything they want to tell you with interest. This is not a waste of time. It can actually save time in the long run. Kids that are listened to generally are better listeners.
3. Don't over schedule yourself or your children. This is a tough one to balance. Kids need to be busy and productive, but there is a limit. I've learned this lesson recently and have started cutting back on our activities. I had a friend who's rule was one sport and one instrument and one club or church group. I thought that was a really good rule, but had to add "everyone in our family plays the piano".
4. Involve your children in setting a schedule. Even really young children like to be a part of setting their schedule. It's fun for everyone to tick something off a list. I have a whiteboard subdivided into 4 parts. Each section is for one of the kids. Ethan and I keep his calendar on Google calendars and we both update it as we need to. Nearly every day, I or they write each child's schedule on the board. I put everything in; their chores, their study time, their activities, bedtime. Here is an example of my 6-year-old's schedule for today:
7:00 - Morning chores (say prayers/make bed/put away pajamas/get dressed/eat breakfast/brush teeth)-they follow a chart for morning and evening chores I made 5 years ago.
7:30 - Practice piano
8:30 - Shoes/hat and bag on and off to school
3:15 - Homework/snack/reading with Mom
4:00 - Put laundry away
4:15 - First Grade Core with Mom (Just supplementing some American stuff for him)
4:30 - Journal (just a few sentences to practice writing)
4:45 - Make lunch/pack bag/clean room/clean zone
5:30 - Reading Eggs (A great internet site to teach reading) - we ended up in the backyard today though playing "Mother May I" instead
6:00 - Evening Chores (Dinner/Scriptures/Prayers/Pajamas/Teeth/Clothes away)
7:00 - Read
8:00 - Bed
Sometimes he'll make his own list and tick things off as he goes. We are flexible of course, but this gives us somewhere to go and we can make sure that we are filling our time with the most important things.
5. Set your priorities for time (don't let anything get in the way of these!)
-Family and Personal Prayers (morning and night) Ethan goes to Seminary at 5:50, so we get the older children up at 5:45 for morning prayers and pray a second time with the rest of them at 7:30. At night, we try to clean up dinner and say prayers and read scriptures while everyone is together.
-Family Home Evening. Every Monday night we spend together having a lesson, game, treat, talents and singing. These are great times for us to have lessons on things we need to work on in our family. We also discuss family business at these meetings.
-Family and Personal Scripture Study
-Family Dinner - Whatever we are having we always try to have everyone there for dinner. I had a friend who's husband didn't get home til 8:00 most nights, so she had dinner when the kids got home from school with them, and when Dad got home, they would have a night snack with Dad before going to bed.
6. Keep on top of the housework - determine how long it takes you to get your house under control and do it every day. Believe me you will function much better in a clean home. I spend about an hour in the morning getting the house back in order after the monkeys are off to school. This is my method: First, I throw a load of laundry in the washer. Ashlee's chore is to separate all the laundry every night for me so it's easy for me to throw a load in. Next, I clean the kitchen. I race myself to see how fast I can get it in order. Then, I take a laundry hamper from room to room, putting things in their home as I go. If I find something that doesn't belong in the room, I throw it in the laundry hamper, then move to the next room (Thanks Andrea for this great tip!) Once everything is picked up, I plug in the vacuum with a long extension cord (where the extension cord meets the vacuum plug, tie a knot, so they don't come apart). The extension cord allows me to vacuum the entire house without having to unplug the vacuum and plug it in somewhere else (thus saving TIME). Then, I spend another half hour cleaning something specific space, i.e. the bathrooms, mopping the floors, dusting baseboards, kitchen cabinets, etc. I am generally ready to go after an hour and a half in my house. Everybody's house is different. I have 6 kids that keep me on my toes and 2 little ones including one in the midst of potty-training at home that follow me around and mess up what I've just cleaned or have emergencies. Most people probably wouldn't need this much time. I definitely feel more at ease when my house is in order though.
7. Serve someone every day. I admit, that I often use my family as my source for service, but I feel much better if I do something nice for someone else, even if it's just sending an e-mail, text, fb or thank you card.
8. Do something for yourself for at least 30 minutes daily - lately that has been exercise for me, but I also like to play the piano and blog and write poetry.
This is a constantly evolving list but I think this summarizes what I feel is the best use of my time. It's all about balance. There is simply not enough time to do all the good things you could be doing. Somedays I have to throw out getting my house clean because of an appointment or shopping or a friend or kids who needs me. Sometimes I have to spend half a day cleaning because it didn't get done the day before. Adding time for one activity necessarily takes the place of another activity and that is fine. I just try to keep the balance.
I think that a home is always more harmonious when mother sings the melody. I find if I keep things in balance and use my time effectively, I can much more easily keep peace at home.

Faith

Here is THE FABULOUS PLAN FOR RAISING SPIRITUAL, WELL-BEHAVED AND CIVILIZED CHILDREN. This is the Faith installment. Of course, this plan is still in the beginning stages and is as yet completely tested, but it's better than nothing. Let me know how it works for you.

Develop a Testimony of Jesus Christ

Scripture Study

Age 0-3 – Be there during scripture study, tell stories from the scriptures

Age 3-5 – Read scriptures with family repeating after parent

Age 6 – Read as much as possible with family on own during family scripture study

Age 8 –

1. Receive first copy of scriptures with much pomp and circumstance
2. Personal scripture study begins with Book of Mormon – Reads with a buddy (devotional with older sibling or with mom or dad) Can be on own next to buddy. Buddy teaches child how to study properly, marking, journaling, praying. Set a time daily to do this and set timer so it only takes a set amount of time (10 minutes)
3. Continue Family scripture study

Age 12 – Continue personal scripture study on own

Age 14 –

1. Begin Seminary
2. Start a Seminary journal if haven’t already and write thoughts about what you are reading
3. Memorize Scripture Mastery (10 minutes a day following scripture study time, set a timer)

Prayer

Age 0-3 –

1. Pray for them
2. Allow them to be there during family prayers
3. Tell them often that Jesus and Heavenly Father love them
4. Show them pictures often of Jesus telling them who it is and that they are loved

Age 2-6 –

1. All the above
2. Parent pray with child, giving them words to repeat.
3. Parent models proper prayer terms and things to pray for; 3 things to be grateful, 3 things to ask for self, 3 things to ask for someone else
4. Include child in family prayer queue
5. Give them opportunities to pray for food, etc

Age 6

1. All the above
2. Pray aloud at bedtime and in the morning

Church Attendance

Age 0-3 –

1. Taken out of meetings only if very fussy.
2. Sits on lap in hallway, no playing in Nursery.
3. No snacks during Sacrament Meeting

Age 3-7 –

1. Attends Primary activities
2. Quiet drawing and sew cards, etc allowed after Sacrament
3. Reverence expected during Sacrament, may lean on Mom or Dad but not lie on bench

Age 8-12

1. All of the Above
2. Faith in God –  at least15 minutes every Sunday
3. Sits up during Sacrament Meeting. No leaning.
4. Scouts or Achievement Days Attendance

Age 12

1. Personal Progress/Duty to God
2. Attend all mutual activities and service projects
3. No reading or activities during Sacrament Meeting. Quietly listening to speakers. May take notes

***Confession: No, I don't do all of these things with my children, but I do some of them and I think I would like to do all of them, but as mentioned earlier, there is simply not enough time in the day, so try a few. It can't hurt***

The three most important things you can do with your family to increase faith is
1. Family Prayer
2. Family Scripture Study
3. Family Home Evening
Actually, I would probably add Family Dinner to that as well.

Family Values

I was talking to a friend of mine at rugby tonight. We started talking about values and passing them on to your children. I told her that we have a definite plan for our children and it makes certain issues easier to deal with. For instance, I told her, we don't have to worry as much about the kind of movies our young kids watch because we have a rule that if you're not 13 or older, you don't watch PG-13 movies. Of course, there are always a few PG movies I have problems with too, so we take those on a case by case basis. She asked me what I do when all their friends get to watch the movie, and they don't, and I told her they just don't get to watch it and it's too bad. They don't really miss anything. I don't get too hung up on peer pressure.

Of course, I told her my children weren't perfect and we were definitely a work in progress. It's a good thing I made that disclaimer because not 5 minutes later, Ammon punched another kid in the face. We have since determined he was not angry, just being silly. We're working a little on his impulsiveness though.

Anyway, I thought I'd share our family values here. I am currently making a list of how to teach these values to your children. They will be forthcoming on this blog.

1. Faith
2. Charity - Service/Family Relationships/Communication
3. Responsibility - this was a big one for my dad
4. Integrity
5. Hard Work
6. Uplifting Music
7. Education
8. Wholesome Recreation
9. Talent Development
10. Health

I might add or change this list as necessary, but I believe most of what I want my children to learn in life is contained in this list. I'll explain in future blogs how I apply these things in my home.

I think it's vital to have a plan when raising a family. Of course, the destination is the most important thing, so looking at where you want to end up, is a good idea. Personally, I want all my children to be happily married to someone they love, have a good job that they enjoy doing, enjoy being around their parents and siblings and to be faithful in church service with a firm testimony of Christ. That would make me truly happy. Once the destination is determined, you just walk backward from there to make the list of things that are most important to your family.