New Paradigms

My children will start a new school year tomorrow. The beginning of the year coinciding with the beginning of a school year gives me an opportunity to think about new beginnings. I always loved the first day of school. I can remember most of them vividly; the anticipation and anxiety, laying out the new clothes, getting the bag packed and thinking about the new friends I would be meeting. I still get a little excited for my kid's first day of school and wonder what they will do this year.

I also like the first day of school because it marks an opportunity to implement "again" some of the great programs, practices and schedules that I have tried before. There is no shame in starting a goal that eventually fizzles. You can always revisit it later and try again. There are a few goals that I generally go back to; living a more healthy life, writing more in my journal (or on a blog), being more consistent in parenting, educating myself. For some reason it still gets me excited to make these goals, even if they do fizzle after a little while or the implementation is a little unrealistic.

Everyone should have an opportunity to feel successful, so when I'm re-establishing my new goals, I start over. All the mistakes I've made in the past don't matter anymore. I am a new person and will start from this point and will be successful in whatever I decide to do. I try to manage my expectations so if I don't quite get everything done that I'd like to do, I can be happy with what I do accomplish. Just because you make a goal and don't quite reach what you're trying to attain doesn't make you a failure. It gets you that much closer to your goal, then you can start over again another time.

So, here's my new paradigm. I was reading an article that my niece, Rachel posted on facebook about a mother's conversation with her 3-year-old daughter who noticed her mother's fat thighs compared to her skinny legs. The mother, at first a bit hurt, tells her daughter that when she was young she had long skinny legs like her daughter and how she felt so pretty and when she got bigger she got beautiful big curves. She told her daughter that someday she would have big, beautiful curves and how wonderful it was that our bodies change over time. What a wonderful message to share with a young girl about how beautiful bodies can be in all their shapes, sizes and ages.

Another paradigm shift is about joy. I've always known that happiness is a choice. So, I always felt guilty when I wasn't happy because I knew it was my own fault. The new me recognizes that there has to be some sadness to experience joy, otherwise you wouldn't know the difference. I've done a few things to help me through the down times though. The best one by far is my "Happy Thoughts" list. Some people call it a Gratitude Journal. Basically, I just keep a list of good things that happen in my life. They are generally one-liners. I don't even date them anymore and I repeat things often like "Seeing my children sleeping peacefully". It's amazing how just looking over these things helps me to focus on the positive in my life.

This year I hope to keep things really positive in our home. I want a home where the Spirit can be felt and where our children want to be and are happy. There is definitely a balance that we are constantly trying to find to keep our home a happy place and according to my new paradigm on joy, we won't always be happy, but if we can maintain the discipline with love, I think we'll find the balance. For the most part, I will be able to have a place where my kids will want to be. I have confidence that I will be successful in all the goals I'm setting for myself this year not because I'll achieve all of them, but because I'm trying to be better. Sometimes just having the desire to change can work miracles.

Tips for Successful Marriage

So, Robert was giving me a hard time the other night about trying to give people advice on marriage and family. I've stopped writing in my blog because of that in the past. I never wanted anyone to think I had it all figured out and I never wanted anyone to feel that I thought I did. But, recently, I’ve come to the determination that if everyone felt that way, only the arrogant would ever publish a book, write a talk or a lesson. So, at the risk of feeling as if I've come off as being arrogant, I'll share the few things that have helped me in my marriage, realizing that no two people, nor two marriages are the same. Still, if nobody ever wrote down what worked for them, nobody would ever benefit except the person it worked for (does that make any sense?).

1. Your spouse cannot make you happy. - I learned this shortly after I was married. I thought once we were married, I would blissfully trot off with Robert into a garden of perpetual joy where he would shower me with praise, think all my ideas were the best he had ever heard, agree with me on everything and do everything he could to make me happy. Well, the truth is, Robert did everything he could to make me happy. And, he continues to do everything he can to make me happy. Then, why was I not always blissfully happy? It came as quite the revelation to me one day in the depths of my despair that Robert wasn't in charge of making me happy. Only I could make myself happy. Happiness is a choice. Sometimes people may say unkind things to you or sometimes even your spouse will disappoint you, but it is how you react that makes the difference in your life. If someone hurts your feelings for some reason, so what? Will it make anyone feel any better to belittle or make them feel bad about themselves? Let it go! Choose to be happy.

2. Selfishness always kills the relationship. The golden rule applies here. Try it for a while and see what happens. If you want him to show you more respect, show him more respect. If you want him to speak more softly to you, speak more softly to him. If you want him to be more tender with you, be more tender with him. Think of his needs before you think of your own. You might feel in the beginning that you are getting walked over, but don’t despair, unless you’re married to a tyrant (and then sometimes, even if you are), it will be reciprocated. You don’t have anything to lose for trying it out. Be less selfish. Charity is the antithesis of selfishness. If you serve and care for a person with all your heart, you will love that person. It doesn’t always matter if they love you back, but it will make you happier to have good feelings for that person.

3. Never stop flirting! Remember what it was like to fall in love with your husband, and use some of the same tactics you used then. They will still work. Send him love notes in his lunchbox or work bag. Call him during the day just to say “I love you”. Sometimes when Robert kisses me, I’ll say “Can I have another please?” Do it, even if you don’t currently feel that way about him. There was a time in my marriage when things sort of started to go stale. We’d been married for about 10 years and with 3 young kids around, I wasn’t really flirting and not even that interested most of the time. I read a book by Merrilee Boyack-Browne called “Strangling Your Husband is Not an Option”. I highly recommend this book to anyone in the same predicament. It reminded me among other things to fall in love with my husband again. From that moment on, our marriage continued to improve and continues to get better with the years.

4. Practice Communicating. Find things that are interesting to both of you and talk about it together. Stay up to date on news or books so you feel smart, and talk about the things you’re learning with your spouse. Caution: Men can only concentrate on one thing at a time (i.e. Men have boxes in their brains and women have a ball of wire--See Mark Gungor’s talk on Men’s Brain, Women’s Brain http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BxckAMaTDc). So, if your husband is busy working on something else, wait until he has finished and then talk to him. If you’re not interested in anything he is interested in, choose something!! I read The Wall Street Journal and discuss articles I read with my husband. It comes in handy too, when I’m talking to professional people who think I’m “just a mom”. I think I sometimes surprise people that I know something about current events. If he’s more into sports, get into sports. I have sisters and sisters-in-law that are bigger sports fans than their husbands and they are able to share the passion with their husband. Yes, you may have to sacrifice some of your passions to get to know his, but isn’t a good marriage about sacrifice? And, yes you will think it is one sided, but it’s not. He is sacrificing for you whether you always see it or not.

5. Don’t ever sleep on the couch or make him sleep on the couch. Have a rule that you will always work it out before you go to sleep. This was Robert’s rule, not mine. But, he is right, and even though I generally need a little more time to let it go, I am always glad to wake up next to him in the morning after we’ve worked things out.

6. Even if you don’t feel like being intimate, do it anyway and decide to enjoy it. If you are enjoying it, he will. ‘nuff said!

7. Learn your spouse’s love language and use it. You can refer to a wonderful book by Gary Chapman “The Five Love Languages”. It really does work.

8. When arguing, try to avoid using infinitives like always and never. They will always come back to haunt you.

9. You will not agree on everything. Pick what is really important to you and work towards a compromise, listening to your spouse’s arguments and being humble enough to adjust when necessary. Surprisingly enough, I wasn’t always right and my ideas weren’t always the best idea. I also went through a period where I felt I was never right and that was frustrating. I shared this with Robert and he has since tried to help me see when I am right.

The one thing Robert wants more than anything is for me to be happy. When I’m happy, he is. When he sees me happy, he does more things to continue this pattern, thus improving our marriage. Don’t ever manipulate your husband, (remember charity). But, understanding this pattern can change things around for you. Don’t worry if everything isn’t completely fair. Life is not fair from our vantage point. In the end things will even out though. You can’t give without receiving in the end as long as receiving is not the reason you give.

One of the best books I have ever read on relationships is “Bonds that Make us Free” by Terry Warner. What I got from this book was that charity is the key to all relationships. If you look at a person in the very best light, give them the opportunity to change and become better, you will develop better relationships because people tend to try to measure up to your expectations. I know that I am constantly working on ways to improve myself. I believe everybody is doing the same thing. Whether it’s true or not is irrelevant. If it changes your view of that person, you will come out better.

Family Values

I was talking to a friend of mine at rugby tonight. We started talking about values and passing them on to your children. I told her that we have a definite plan for our children and it makes certain issues easier to deal with. For instance, I told her, we don't have to worry as much about the kind of movies our young kids watch because we have a rule that if you're not 13 or older, you don't watch PG-13 movies. Of course, there are always a few PG movies I have problems with too, so we take those on a case by case basis. She asked me what I do when all their friends get to watch the movie, and they don't, and I told her they just don't get to watch it and it's too bad. They don't really miss anything. I don't get too hung up on peer pressure.

Of course, I told her my children weren't perfect and we were definitely a work in progress. It's a good thing I made that disclaimer because not 5 minutes later, Ammon punched another kid in the face. We have since determined he was not angry, just being silly. We're working a little on his impulsiveness though.

Anyway, I thought I'd share our family values here. I am currently making a list of how to teach these values to your children. They will be forthcoming on this blog.

1. Faith
2. Charity - Service/Family Relationships/Communication
3. Responsibility - this was a big one for my dad
4. Integrity
5. Hard Work
6. Uplifting Music
7. Education
8. Wholesome Recreation
9. Talent Development
10. Health

I might add or change this list as necessary, but I believe most of what I want my children to learn in life is contained in this list. I'll explain in future blogs how I apply these things in my home.

I think it's vital to have a plan when raising a family. Of course, the destination is the most important thing, so looking at where you want to end up, is a good idea. Personally, I want all my children to be happily married to someone they love, have a good job that they enjoy doing, enjoy being around their parents and siblings and to be faithful in church service with a firm testimony of Christ. That would make me truly happy. Once the destination is determined, you just walk backward from there to make the list of things that are most important to your family.

Why It's Better to Be a Mom Than to be Famous

I started a notebook for Ashlee. I wanted her to know that it is better to be a mom than to be famous. Sometimes, I feel less important than others because I'm up to my armpits in stinky (I mean really stinky) laundry. It's not very glamorous. Still, I know that doing the laundry, cooking for my family, being there when my children get home from school and tucking them in before they go to bed has to be done, so why should I be miserable doing it. Thus, the notebook. I have to look at the bright side.

So, here is my list for today:
1. Going for a run with no paparazzi after me and listening to messages of inspiration
2. Coming home to the 3-year-old helping the 1-year-old pour milk in cereal
3. The 3-year-old cleaning up the milk spill off the floor
4. Listening to the piano, clarinet and violin all being played at the same time in different locations throughout the house.
5. Noticing that the violin isn't as screechy as it used to be.
6. The clarinet isn't as squeaky
7. The piano is being played nearly in rhythm
8. Being able to get my very stubborn 6-year-old to practice piano up to my standard
9. Making the executive decision to turn around after walking down the hill to school after the 3-year-old screamed the entire way down because it's too hard to walk and then not picking him up once. He came home with a smile on his face.
10. Playing people toys for 10 minutes with the boys before jumping in the car
11. Dropping off the generous donations from church members for the Homeless Connect Event in Brisbane
12. 3-year-old making a sandwich for 1-year-old
13. 2 hours to chip away at my to do list while the kids nap
14. Making the executive decision to go to the park with the kids instead of making bread for dinner. Picked it up on the way home
15. Deciding to not be ashamed that "yes, I do bake bread and I'm not afraid to admit it"
16. Being able to persuade a bad attitude out of the 12-year-old to have Family Home Evening
17. Having a good discussion about standing up for what's right even if you have to stand alone
18. Hard is Good - motto for the day!

Mother's Day

So, I am trying to think of a fun Mother's Day gift to give to the Mother's in our ward (since nothing seems to happen if the women don't do something about it in this ward). I went online and came across a blog about Mother's Day gifts for LDS women. It was basically a complaint forum about how much people hate Mother's Day and the talks given on Mother's Day and how offended women can be because they are not mothers and are required to take the gift for the day. I was saddened to think there are so many selfish women out there to think that mother's day is all about them. When Robert says something about making me breakfast in bed or taking care of me on Mother's Day, I always say "Why? I'm not your mother!" Mother's Day is a day to focus on YOUR mother. If you had a mother who didn't do everything right or you are still holding a grudge against her about something they did or didn't do, you're only hurting yourself. I can't think of a better holiday to "Stop it!" It's a good time to think about loving your mother for being perfect or imperfect.

There was an article in the March Ensign about Visiting Teaching. After listening to it, I came home all discouraged because I feel like I'm not being the best visiting teacher I should be. I talked to Robert about it and he was frustrated with me because I just don't seem to get the fact that articles and talks are not written to give you a guilt complex, they are given to help you improve in small ways. We are not expected to be perfect today. We are expected to work at it. So, my prayers and the things I have been trying to think about lately have been about: Is what I am doing right now the best thing for me to do right now? Sometimes, that means neglecting the cleaning or my kids to play the piano. Sometimes it means blogging when I could be cleaning. It's all about balance, and I refuse to feel guilty for not being a perfect mother, daughter, visiting teacher, or any other roll I might be in. There is simply not enough hours in the day to do all the good things you could be doing. It's all about working towards perfection. This Mother's Day, I will think about my mother and the other mother's I know and I will think about little things I can do to improve my mothering and yes, I believe being female qualifies you as being a mother because through divine nature, you have been given the capacity to nurture the youth of the world. It is something all females can develop and thus, all females deserve the proffered chocolate on Mother's Day.

 What do you think?