Parenting Tip of the Day #2 - Leading Gently

Trying to help 3 and 4-year-olds say their prayers at night is sometimes an arduous task. They are generally tired and just a little grumpy to get out of their beds to say prayers. I have tried forcing them to their knees, but this didn’t seem really Christ-like, so I decided that if they didn’t want to say their prayers, I would allow them to lie in bed and I would say a prayer for them. This is actually a really nice opportunity to pray for them. I can say things that I know they’re trying to work on like potty-training or giving up thumb-sucking or learning to read, or to be kind to each other or a plethora of other skills. 

The other day, Wyatt (3-year-old) was home with me and I was listening to some General Conference talks on mormonchannel.org. Wyatt would hear a word he recognized like church or baptized or service and would get really excited and repeat the word. Then, he disappeared. He ran out of his room after a minute and was really excited. He said. “Mum, come see! I can do my prayers just like you.” He made me come into his room and kneel down next to his bed and fold my arms like him. He then looked up at me and said “See Mum! I can do my prayers like you.” 

I’m still learning that parents can shove children harshly and get them to do what the parent decides, but if a parent wants a child to truly change direction on their own, they must be led gently.

Newton and Parenting

I have been meaning to post for a while now, but schedules get so hectic sometimes, it's difficult to sit still long enough to post anything worth reading. I am in a quiet house now as everyone is away and the 2 little ones are sleeping. This is an unusual occurrence, so I'll take advantage of it.

Newton's First Law of motion states "Every object in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it." That means that if an object is at rest, it won't move unless an external force is used. Sort of like when I need to wake up Ethan for Seminary at 5:45. The external force must change frequently to move those molecules and sometimes creative use of force is needed. I find it interesting that it's not necessarily the physical force that moves the object at rest, but the quiet urging and gentle persuasions that work best. The other part of the law indicates that force is also needed to change a direction or speed of an object. I see this nearly every day with Ammon on the computer. If I ask him to stop what he's doing, he'll always need to finish the game he's on before obeying. But, more seriously, if a child is making poor choices, some force (again, gentle persuasion) will have to be applied before a change can be made.

Now, how can I apply this law to raising my children? Most laws, when understood, help us to live a more meaningful and productive life. Once I truly understood inertia, I could be more patient with my children, understanding that as children they have a difficult time producing the force necessary to change their own action. It also helped me to realize that they truly need my help in changing behavior. The type of force used is not intended to be harsh. If you wanted to move a glass of water without spilling it, you wouldn't shove it, you would push it gently. Because the water wants to stay at rest, if it is pushed quickly, it is likely to spill and make a mess. If you push a child to harshly, you will most likely make a mess.

Any behavior, good or bad is subject to the laws of motion. Generally, a redirection with gentle force is all that is needed to change a negative behavior. For example, my two youngest have had a problem lately with hitting each other. I've let it go too far without taking action and now their inertia is continuing this behavior. I really have to do something about it. Of course, consistency is always key as a parent. Taking into consideration Newton's first law of motion, I need to apply force and stop the behavior immediately when it happens, and then redirect their motion in the right direction. I can do this by reminding them how much they love each other, demonstrating how to share and how to give hugs and touch each other gently.

I love how nature's laws align with the laws of God and the laws of the family. Stay tuned. I'll be posting an article soon about Newton's second and third laws of motion.

Time

Ethan calculated the other day there are 8,760 hours in a year. We call him the human calculator.
I've been thinking about time lately and what we do with our time. Often, I seem to run out of time and I wonder if I'm using every hour I have effectively. This is a constant struggle. The best use of our time changes constantly. Here are a few rules, I've learned along the way (or am currently learning).
1. When you have children at home, don't schedule anything for at least 2 hours after lunch. Be at home. Have your kids read if they are older and the younger ones should nap. Quiet time is prime time.
2. Be there when your kids get home from school. Tell them how glad you are that they are home and listen to everything they want to tell you with interest. This is not a waste of time. It can actually save time in the long run. Kids that are listened to generally are better listeners.
3. Don't over schedule yourself or your children. This is a tough one to balance. Kids need to be busy and productive, but there is a limit. I've learned this lesson recently and have started cutting back on our activities. I had a friend who's rule was one sport and one instrument and one club or church group. I thought that was a really good rule, but had to add "everyone in our family plays the piano".
4. Involve your children in setting a schedule. Even really young children like to be a part of setting their schedule. It's fun for everyone to tick something off a list. I have a whiteboard subdivided into 4 parts. Each section is for one of the kids. Ethan and I keep his calendar on Google calendars and we both update it as we need to. Nearly every day, I or they write each child's schedule on the board. I put everything in; their chores, their study time, their activities, bedtime. Here is an example of my 6-year-old's schedule for today:
7:00 - Morning chores (say prayers/make bed/put away pajamas/get dressed/eat breakfast/brush teeth)-they follow a chart for morning and evening chores I made 5 years ago.
7:30 - Practice piano
8:30 - Shoes/hat and bag on and off to school
3:15 - Homework/snack/reading with Mom
4:00 - Put laundry away
4:15 - First Grade Core with Mom (Just supplementing some American stuff for him)
4:30 - Journal (just a few sentences to practice writing)
4:45 - Make lunch/pack bag/clean room/clean zone
5:30 - Reading Eggs (A great internet site to teach reading) - we ended up in the backyard today though playing "Mother May I" instead
6:00 - Evening Chores (Dinner/Scriptures/Prayers/Pajamas/Teeth/Clothes away)
7:00 - Read
8:00 - Bed
Sometimes he'll make his own list and tick things off as he goes. We are flexible of course, but this gives us somewhere to go and we can make sure that we are filling our time with the most important things.
5. Set your priorities for time (don't let anything get in the way of these!)
-Family and Personal Prayers (morning and night) Ethan goes to Seminary at 5:50, so we get the older children up at 5:45 for morning prayers and pray a second time with the rest of them at 7:30. At night, we try to clean up dinner and say prayers and read scriptures while everyone is together.
-Family Home Evening. Every Monday night we spend together having a lesson, game, treat, talents and singing. These are great times for us to have lessons on things we need to work on in our family. We also discuss family business at these meetings.
-Family and Personal Scripture Study
-Family Dinner - Whatever we are having we always try to have everyone there for dinner. I had a friend who's husband didn't get home til 8:00 most nights, so she had dinner when the kids got home from school with them, and when Dad got home, they would have a night snack with Dad before going to bed.
6. Keep on top of the housework - determine how long it takes you to get your house under control and do it every day. Believe me you will function much better in a clean home. I spend about an hour in the morning getting the house back in order after the monkeys are off to school. This is my method: First, I throw a load of laundry in the washer. Ashlee's chore is to separate all the laundry every night for me so it's easy for me to throw a load in. Next, I clean the kitchen. I race myself to see how fast I can get it in order. Then, I take a laundry hamper from room to room, putting things in their home as I go. If I find something that doesn't belong in the room, I throw it in the laundry hamper, then move to the next room (Thanks Andrea for this great tip!) Once everything is picked up, I plug in the vacuum with a long extension cord (where the extension cord meets the vacuum plug, tie a knot, so they don't come apart). The extension cord allows me to vacuum the entire house without having to unplug the vacuum and plug it in somewhere else (thus saving TIME). Then, I spend another half hour cleaning something specific space, i.e. the bathrooms, mopping the floors, dusting baseboards, kitchen cabinets, etc. I am generally ready to go after an hour and a half in my house. Everybody's house is different. I have 6 kids that keep me on my toes and 2 little ones including one in the midst of potty-training at home that follow me around and mess up what I've just cleaned or have emergencies. Most people probably wouldn't need this much time. I definitely feel more at ease when my house is in order though.
7. Serve someone every day. I admit, that I often use my family as my source for service, but I feel much better if I do something nice for someone else, even if it's just sending an e-mail, text, fb or thank you card.
8. Do something for yourself for at least 30 minutes daily - lately that has been exercise for me, but I also like to play the piano and blog and write poetry.
This is a constantly evolving list but I think this summarizes what I feel is the best use of my time. It's all about balance. There is simply not enough time to do all the good things you could be doing. Somedays I have to throw out getting my house clean because of an appointment or shopping or a friend or kids who needs me. Sometimes I have to spend half a day cleaning because it didn't get done the day before. Adding time for one activity necessarily takes the place of another activity and that is fine. I just try to keep the balance.
I think that a home is always more harmonious when mother sings the melody. I find if I keep things in balance and use my time effectively, I can much more easily keep peace at home.