A Word about Boundaries and Hard Work

Me, my parents and 10 of my siblings at my sister's wedding in 2009

My brothers and sisters have commented before, and I have been asked; with so many children (twelve, 1 who died at age 18), how did my parents manage to keep us all close and faithful to the values we were raised with? On top of that, how is it that so many of us have been successful in our lives? Although we are all different and unique individuals, we hold true to what we were taught at home and strive to live up to the expectations set for us. This is not to say we haven’t had our share of disappointment and adversity or rebellion. Nor have we always seen eye to eye on everything. The values we were taught have stuck though, and any rebellion we had was minimal in comparison to the world’s standards. Why is that? 

My parents are quick to deny credit for the way their children have turned out. My mom generally points out that this is just the way we were sent to them. I beg to differ. I would like to point out a few things my parents did with us to teach us and keep us from rebelling in a major way and what we try to emulate in our own home as we teach and raise our children.

Determine your family values and stick by them. You can find our family values here. My parents always had boundaries for everything. For example, in our home, “shut up” was a swear word and not tolerated. In our home the word “hate” is similarly not tolerated. If the boundaries are set close enough in, when children rebel, they won’t go as far as they would if they were left to the end of the border.

Come down swift and terrible when family values are violated. This does not mean being mean. Have a consequence for when a child violates those family values and then follow through. Try to distance yourself from the emotion. I remember reading an article once that said when your child is resistant and you need to stand your ground, look at them steadily and think of something completely benign like kumquats. (I’m not exactly sure what kumquats are, but think they are some sort of fruit) I find when I do this, I remove myself emotionally from the situation and am able to follow through without the fights. One more example about swift and terrible: when my brother was 16 or 17, he decided to dye his hair. It was a bit of a disaster. His hair turned bright orange. My dad laid into him about representing our family and setting an example for his siblings. He was confined to his bedroom until the hair dresser could be arranged to change his hair back to a more suitable color. It wasn’t the hair color that was necessarily the problem. In fact, my dad admits now that it was actually sort of funny, but it was the principle of rebellion that my dad was coming down hard on. I guess what it comes down to is that strict works. We had strict parents, but they weren’t mean. That is why I love them, respect them and thank them. Because of the strictness of the way, we were directed in the right path and as we grew older, we didn’t depart from it. (Proverbs 22:6) 

Parenting is hard work. Anything that is worth doing well will be hard work. You can’t expect to send your child to school each day and expect them to learn without providing them a teacher. You are their teacher for their values and you have to work hard and help them to stay on the pay. We value families. We spend a lot of time together as a family. We take vacations together. We have family dinner nearly every night. We take outings together and have a family home evening once every week where we teach a lesson about anything from budgeting and finances to temples and being a good friend. We play a game, sing a song or two and have a refreshment. We also have family prayer every morning and most evenings as well as study the scriptures together most evenings. This is all hard work. It means a lot of planning and preparation. No work you do in training your children is ever wasted though. If it doesn’t strengthen them, it certainly strengthens you.

Praise effort in the right direction. Most children desire approval from their parents above all. This is not an area to manipulate or exploit, but is a tool to encourage and motivate a child to make choices in their life that will lead them to success and happiness. When I was a teenager, my dad would often come into the room where I would be practicing the piano. He would lie down on the ground and just listen to me. This was enough motivation for me to not only continue playing the piano, but to begin practicing for many hours at a time, eventually being able to give a senior recital when I was 18 and teach piano lessons to my children and others. It doesn’t often take much encouragement for a child to want to succeed.

Putting in the time and effort to teach your children doesn’t always make you popular. My oldest two were complaining the other day about something they had to do that their friends didn’t need to do. We explained our reasoning including helping them to see down the road several years to where their friends might be compared to where they might be if they followed our counsel and rules. 

My parents taught us all how to be obedient and kept us there until we were old enough to see the wisdom of the path. I do not feel that I was restrained. Quite the contrary; I feel I was able to avoid many of the trials that beset many of my associates. Because of the strictness, I now enjoy much more freedom. I am not afraid of anything coming out of my past (except maybe that embarrassing 6th grade photo). I am not bound by addictions (except perhaps chocolate). I don’t feel like I’ve missed some great opportunity to figure things out on my own by making mistakes because I have made mistakes, heaps of them. I continue to make mistakes, but because of my upbringing, I know how to correct those mistakes and learn from them. This gives me more freedom to learn and go about where I would like. Don’t be afraid of the task and don’t double guess when you have to come down hard when those around you would let it slide. Keep the end goal in mind and follow through. If you’re having a tough time being tough, give yourself a pep talk. I often disappear into the bathroom during a difficult confrontation of wills to look myself in the mirror and say, “Come on Becky. You totally have this. Get out there and do what you’ve been trained to do.” And off I go to tame the ruthless savages once again!

Parenting Tip of the Day #2 - Leading Gently

Trying to help 3 and 4-year-olds say their prayers at night is sometimes an arduous task. They are generally tired and just a little grumpy to get out of their beds to say prayers. I have tried forcing them to their knees, but this didn’t seem really Christ-like, so I decided that if they didn’t want to say their prayers, I would allow them to lie in bed and I would say a prayer for them. This is actually a really nice opportunity to pray for them. I can say things that I know they’re trying to work on like potty-training or giving up thumb-sucking or learning to read, or to be kind to each other or a plethora of other skills. 

The other day, Wyatt (3-year-old) was home with me and I was listening to some General Conference talks on mormonchannel.org. Wyatt would hear a word he recognized like church or baptized or service and would get really excited and repeat the word. Then, he disappeared. He ran out of his room after a minute and was really excited. He said. “Mum, come see! I can do my prayers just like you.” He made me come into his room and kneel down next to his bed and fold my arms like him. He then looked up at me and said “See Mum! I can do my prayers like you.” 

I’m still learning that parents can shove children harshly and get them to do what the parent decides, but if a parent wants a child to truly change direction on their own, they must be led gently.

Parenting Tip of the Day #1- How to Play with Your Child

Ok! Let's face it, playing with your child is not always fun. It's sometimes quite boring playing race cars and dolls and house and don't get me started on having tea parties. We do it because we are good mommies and know that to connect with our child, we need to do things with them. I'll tell you how I do it.

When my kids start begging me to play with them, if I'm not in the middle of a kitchen catastrophe (which happens frequently), I block out a short amount of time, say 20-30 minutes. I look at my watch and mark the time. Then, I choose something that I like to do with my child. I like building lego trains, block cities and setting up People toys. Building exercises my spacial creativity. I love being able to use up all the train tracks in an elaborate design. Some people enjoy giving inanimate objects personalities and coming up with completely uninteresting conversations for those objects to have with each other. I also enjoy playing card or board games with my kids, but again, only for 20-30 minutes. I can't continue longer than that without going a little crazy. Whatever the activity ensure it's something that inspires you or builds your creativity!

While I am playing, I focus intensely on enjoying the process. I remember that this is only 20 minutes out of my life that is spent building a relationship that will be one of the most important of my existence. And, if I'm going to do it, I ought to enjoy it. I feel the same way about doing the dishes. More about that in a future post.

After the time is up, I can generally feel good that I've had some quality time with my kids and go do something I need to do. If the kids pester me, I remind them that I gave them 20-30 minutes and now they need to give me some time to do the things I need to.

It is not necessary nor recommended that a mother play with her children all day. It's important for children to come up with their own games, get into trouble on their own, fix their own problems and figure out what to do when they are bored.

Feel good! You are a super Mum because you love your kids.

This is the awesome train track I made. I used up all the track we own. Woohoo!

Teaching Kids to Read K.I.S.S.

There are so many great websites/blogs/courses etc out there that have worksheets, weekly themes, colouring sheets and programs that will teach your child to read. I'm going to let you in on a secret. Teaching most children to read is easy. It doesn't require large amounts of time and money to buy programs or cute finger puppets or put together worksheets that are personalized with your child's picture or a set school time or place. Some of these things make me tired just looking at them. Since, I am currently teaching my 5th child to read, and each of my other 4 could read quite well before beginning Kindergarten (Prep), I feel I know some of what I say. I use lots of different ways to teach them. Here is what I do:

1. Make up a song or use the tune to a familiar song to teach them to spell their name. Sing it in the car or any other time you feel like. (I rarely have the radio on while my little kids are in the car.) I used B-I-N-G-O for Ethan and Ammon and made up my own song for Kyle, Aaron and Wyatt. Ashlee was to Twinkle, Twinkle. I start doing this when they are around 18 months.
2. Make a poster with all the letters of the alphabet. Make sure you write the letters like they teach them in your local school. Do upper and lower case and sing the alphabet often, pointing to the letters as you sing. Point their finger at the letters as you sing as well. You could also print out letter colouring pages as well and have them colour them. There are myriad of these online. Just look up alphabet coring pages online.
3. Sing the alphabet with the sounds of the letters. I have a tune I sing that just repeats itself A makes the sound of "A" (long a) or "a" (short a). B makes the sound "b-b-b". Continuing to the end of the alphabet. Sing this a lot.
4. You can also make up a song or a rhythm for individual letters. Continue saying/singing it over and over. (i.e. Double U, Double U, w-w-w or M-n-Ms are mmmmm)
5. Read books to them. As you read, have them find letters on the page. I always start with "O" because it's the easiest for them to recognize, because it's a circle.
6. As you read, choose a "magic" word or two that they can say every time you get to it in the book like "and" or "the" or any other word that is often repeated. As you read, point to each word as you say it and when you get to the magic word, have them say it.
7. Another good one for in the car is rhyming words or spelling simple words like, "Let's spell pot. What's the first sound? p-p-p", etc.
8. Pick a good beginner reader or series . We use BOB Books. Have them spell the words, then help them sound them out, asking, "What does a j say", etc. You'll probably have to give it to them several times, then help them put all the sounds together. Sometimes, you can only do one page at one sitting, but be consistent about it and they will get it.

Once they can read one book, they become motivated to read the next. It's magic to hear your child read for the first time. It's all about being consistent and using the time you do have together well. We're in the car a lot and that's when I work with them the most. Don't get discouraged. Children who are good readers are confident in other school work and in life. Once you can read, you can learn anything you want!

Newton and Parenting

I have been meaning to post for a while now, but schedules get so hectic sometimes, it's difficult to sit still long enough to post anything worth reading. I am in a quiet house now as everyone is away and the 2 little ones are sleeping. This is an unusual occurrence, so I'll take advantage of it.

Newton's First Law of motion states "Every object in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it." That means that if an object is at rest, it won't move unless an external force is used. Sort of like when I need to wake up Ethan for Seminary at 5:45. The external force must change frequently to move those molecules and sometimes creative use of force is needed. I find it interesting that it's not necessarily the physical force that moves the object at rest, but the quiet urging and gentle persuasions that work best. The other part of the law indicates that force is also needed to change a direction or speed of an object. I see this nearly every day with Ammon on the computer. If I ask him to stop what he's doing, he'll always need to finish the game he's on before obeying. But, more seriously, if a child is making poor choices, some force (again, gentle persuasion) will have to be applied before a change can be made.

Now, how can I apply this law to raising my children? Most laws, when understood, help us to live a more meaningful and productive life. Once I truly understood inertia, I could be more patient with my children, understanding that as children they have a difficult time producing the force necessary to change their own action. It also helped me to realize that they truly need my help in changing behavior. The type of force used is not intended to be harsh. If you wanted to move a glass of water without spilling it, you wouldn't shove it, you would push it gently. Because the water wants to stay at rest, if it is pushed quickly, it is likely to spill and make a mess. If you push a child to harshly, you will most likely make a mess.

Any behavior, good or bad is subject to the laws of motion. Generally, a redirection with gentle force is all that is needed to change a negative behavior. For example, my two youngest have had a problem lately with hitting each other. I've let it go too far without taking action and now their inertia is continuing this behavior. I really have to do something about it. Of course, consistency is always key as a parent. Taking into consideration Newton's first law of motion, I need to apply force and stop the behavior immediately when it happens, and then redirect their motion in the right direction. I can do this by reminding them how much they love each other, demonstrating how to share and how to give hugs and touch each other gently.

I love how nature's laws align with the laws of God and the laws of the family. Stay tuned. I'll be posting an article soon about Newton's second and third laws of motion.

Real Life

My good friend, Moko found my blog by doing a search on the Internet about a year or so ago for Jumping Monkeys (go figure!) Anyway, she suggested I blog about the pen marks I recently found on our front room couches. These things become so commonplace at my home, I forget that they can be a source of inspiration for my Blog.

So, Wyatt has been a bit of a terror lately (can we say Terrific Twos?). The following pictures will pretty much sum it up. Love this kid!

My mom has a similar picture of my youngest brother and sister's work .

This is after we had cleaned up most of it. There were marks in every panel down the hallway as well.
I love Magic Erasers!

This is also after I had cleaned up the pen marks on the rest of the couch. I started out using hairspray (which works), but ended up using Exit. I got a free sample from the Rugby club. It works wonders! (I think it's the same stuff as Fels-Naptha)

My good friend, Lauren happened to call me while I was attacking the Sharpie walls. I was not quite composed yet. She was giddy with excitement wondering what an experienced mother would do in such a situation. I am ashamed to say that I had to tell her that I spanked his little bottom! Shocking! Why am I admitting this to all you people? In retrospect, no, this was not the right thing to do, and no, it didn't accomplish anything (although he hasn't since attempted writing on anything besides paper.) I will have to add that I was not at all out of control as I spanked him, I felt I was getting his attention and this would certainly have been devastating to some of my other children who wouldn't need more than a warning. After the initial crying, I sat down with him and hugged him and gave him a piece of paper with a crayon and told him. "You can color on paper, not on the walls or the floor or the couches." I guess I'm still learning, even after 6 kids.

A Child Who Sings is a Happy Child
So, in other news. One of the best talks, in my opinion, during the LDS April 2013 General Conference was the talk given by Elder Falabella on Sunday Afternoon, The Home: The School of Life. In one section, he said one of his wife's mottos was "A child who sings is a happy child". (This may be one of the next mottos to find it's way onto my wall) We have a very musical family. Whistling is huge around here and Ammon is constantly singing. I used to get a little, not annoyed, but a little exhausted with all the singing and whistling. Now, I will never complain again. Every time I hear Ammon singing, I think. Oh... he's happy! Thanks for that!

Getting 7-year-olds to do chores: 
Here's an idea... Ammon loves to play games. If it is not a game, it is drudgery. For this purpose, I have re-instituted a game I invented to get my younger brothers and sisters to clean up. Monster! I pretend to be asleep while they do some task for me, (practice the piano, do a chore, clean their room, leave me alone so I can write a blog...) Then, I wake up snarling and chase them all around the house until I "catch" them and pretend to eat them. They love this game and they get the work done. It didn't work for Ethan, Ashlee or Kyle, but Ammon, Aaron and Wyatt love it! Isn't it great with more kids, I can really try out everything until it works! And, I get to play Monster again (I love being this kind of Monster Mommy!)

Super Mum

I've been thinking lately about what it means to be a "Super Mum". You see, perfectionism is a tricky balance. There is no way we can be perfect at everything, but everyone is good at something. Figure out what your one or two things are and maximize them, and you too can be a Super Mum.

I think my first meeting conversations are hilarious. They follow a similar pattern. "6 kids?!! You're amazing!" "Barb, did you hear she has 6 kids?!" "You must be a super mum!" As if having the ability to procreate makes me a super mum.

My mum told me once that she would have similar conversations with people about her 12 children. She similarly would get annoyed by people assuming she must be amazing because she had so many children. She told me that she felt she hadn't necessarily chosen to have so many children, but as they came, she chose to do a good job raising them. I feel the same. I'm doing the best job I can raising my children and no, I don't always get it right and I'm not perfect at everything. I'll give you an example.

This is a bit embarrassing so bear with me. Last week, Monkey #6 got the croup. I've had the croup in my house. I have 5 boys. They all get croup when they get sick. Monkey #6 gets it pretty bad, so I'm used to it. Sometimes I'll take him outside. Sometimes I'll take him into the shower, or put a humidifier on him. That night, I was too tired to think straight, so I just put him in bed with me and Robert went off to sleep on the couch. In the morning, he was still crying and uncomfortable. He just wanted me to cuddle him. Robert suggested I take him into the doctor. Now, I am the least perceptive person when it comes to the health and safety of my children. I'm lucky to have a husband that makes up for my lack. So, I took him into the doctor who gave me medicine and told me to put him in the shower. He said if Monkey wasn't improving in a couple of hours to take him immediately to the Emergency Room.

It sounded pretty serious, and I did just what he said. It didn't take me long to realize things were not improving, so I took him to the emergency room where the doctors informed me he was at critically low oxygen absorption levels. He remained in the hospital for 2 days. I was glad that he had help when he needed it, but it worried me that I couldn't even take care of my own children and I still don't know how sick is sick enough for the hospital.

The point of this story is that; ok, I'll admit it. I am not a "Super Mum Doctor". Some women are so good at knowing what to do for their children to keep them safe and healthy. This is really important and I really am trying to do better. I am really good at teaching my children to be resilient and to take risks. There is benefit from both ways of parenting.

You can be a Super Mum at whatever you are good at. Teach your children to bake bread or pick stocks or do crafts or put together a fabulous outfit, or find deals at the op shop or clean a toilet really well. We are all Super Mums, but it is a choice. Being Super means sacrificing for another person. It doesn't matter what you do as long as you are doing something to make someone else's life better. You are super!