Animal Encounters

I was thinking yesterday that I should share some of my animal encounters is Australia. I was taking groceries out of the car last night in the dark and remembered the time a gecko had gotten into the car and was running around our feet. Poor gecko, but it freaked me out. I couldn't put my feet down until I knew it was gone. I remember stopping with the family somewhere to try to find it and shoo it out. We couldn't find it and finally had to just drive around with it in the car for a few days before it found its way out.

The next one I remember is a cockroach. There are many cockroaches here. I often wake up in the middle of the night and open a drawer in the kitchen only to find a disgusting little creature staring back at me. They used to really scare me, but now I just get out a shoe (my weapon). It seems to help if we keep things really clean and remember to take the trash out at night. One of my first encounters with these pests, it actually flew into my hair. I had never and never since have seen one fly, but I assure you they do fly and one got stuck in my hair. Frightening experience.

The next was a magpie. Magpies can be frightening during the spring when they are nesting. They swoop on unsuspecting victims seemingly for no cause at all. Ethan got swooped by the same bird every time he passed its tree riding to Aviation High on his bike. The bird would eye him as he approached and they would have a bit if a showdown. Ethan would ride as quickly as he could past. Once he had passed, the bird would swoop down on him, hitting his helmet violently. He gave up riding shortly after that. I got swooped once walking home with the boys from the car service centre. I had on a hat so it didn't get a chunk from my head, but still frightening.

One of my favorite animals are the kookaburras. I love hearing their laugh. Sometimes they get going in the morning. It's such a pleasant sound to wake up to. Much better than the crows, who we hear frequently too, outside the window. I've been known to throw things at them when they get up with the sun around 4 am in the summer.

The bush turkeys are funny. When we first got here there were two that lived in our backyard. I named them Verne and Shirley. They messed up all the wiring for the lights on the pool by building their nests. They push all the scrub up into big piles to nest. They had a bunch of baby turkeys that were fun to watch. At one point, we had left the door open and then left the house for the day, closing the door and locking it. Apparently, one of the turkeys had come in when the door was open and had enjoyed a day in our house. We found him in Ashlee's closet. Ethan and I cornered him and put a basket over him and took him outside with his brothers. We haven't seen the turkeys in a while.

After the turkeys disappeared, we started seeing tails disappearing underneath the house. At first, I thought we had a huge snake, but one time when I was out in the garden, I spied two huge lizards. They were actually blue-tongued skinks. They didn't bother us too much so we decided they could be our new pets. They disappeared once it got cold. I wonder if they'll be back this summer?

We also have several bats. They are fruit bats with maybe 3 ft wing spans. They hang in the palm trees and talk all night. They sound something like children chattering. It's not an annoying sound at all. They are sort of funny, although they make a huge mess and their droppings are extremely sticky.

Possums are creatures of the night. I'm pretty sure they are the ones that always got to my vegetable garden and took anything that might have grown. Sometimes, they'll run on top of the roof and they are quite noisy. It sounds like a large dog.

We also found a python once in our tree. The kids were playing in the front yard when I heard Ashlee say. "Hey guys, look at the snake." She was pretty unconcerned, but I rushed out knowing what kinds of snakes might be lurking. It was a green python and we looked up all sorts of information about them. It was just a baby and they are relatively safe at that size.

Robert once found a Huntsman spider in a suitcase as he was opening it to prepare for a trip. The bag had been under the house and he had brought it upstairs to pack. He was so startled, he fell over. It was pretty funny actually.

I was doing some laps in our pool last summer, when the crows started making an awful ruckus. I looked up on our pool fence and there were two tawny frog-mouthed owls. They were the ugliest creatures I had ever seen and I was quite frightened until the crows started picking on them. They didn't really fight back and I suddenly felt very sorry for them. Those poor birds were so ugly, nobody wanted them around. What a way to live.

Robert's uncle Roy lives in Wacol, out by Ipswich, a little way out of town. He is opposite a large forest. Last year, when we were over visiting, we saw a huge kangaroo just opposite his house. He just stood and stared at us.

Another bird I really like are the rainbow lorikeets. They are beautiful and they are very chatty. They like to hang out in the big trees next to Chermside shopping Centro. Especially at twilight, they all are chatting in the trees. I always imagine the conversations they are having and make up words for them. They are really funny.

The most recent animal encounter was with a duck. I was sitting in the front room with a couple of friends and could hear noises coming from the fireplace. When I looked in, there was a sooty duck staring back at me. My brave friend tried to pull him out to no avail. I gave him a little water and called the Animal Rescue Unit. They finally showed up several hours later and rescued the poor thing.

The Value of Work

So, I've tried many schemes in the past to help my children appreciate work and money. I think it's important to teach children the value of work along with how to handle finances. Here is a list of some of my past schemes. Some have been more successful than others:

1. Money for chores - As the kids did their chores, I would give them some money. We tried it at one point to have them finish their chores by a certain time. This got really confusing though when I didn't have the money handy, couldn't figure out if they really earned it, and tried to help them break out tithing and savings from it. Also, I found that some days they would just decide they didn't need the money so they just wouldn't do their chores.

2. Money for extra chores - Same as above. I like this a little better, however, because there are certain chores that should be completed as an expectation for living in a family. The extra chores are for when a child has completed all the required chores and would like something extra to do for money. I still have "Money Chores" anytime one of the kids would like to take me up on it. The only problem I have had with this is that most of the time the kids aren't willing to do the extra chores until the hour they need the money. I keep thinking they will learn to do the extra chores when they don't have money when they need it. Not yet. Drat!

3. Allowance - I stopped this when the kids started coming and demanding money from me. I didn't like the idea of them having an allowance without strings attached. They were also starting to act a little spoiled.

4. Contract - This was a great idea for my older kids. I have one that is in a very demanding school. He is not able to work because of the required homework, so we worked out a contract for him of things he needed to do around the home to earn a certain amount of money each week. The idea was that he was going to start paying for his own haircuts, gifts for others, school activities, social activities and other things that would come up. We paid all school fees for him, but he was to give us a set amount each month to cover those expenses as well. It was a great idea but totally failed as he just decided some days to not do some of his chores. Thus, it was difficult to decide if we should still give him a portion of the allowance, and how much to give him.

5. Fraction payments linked to chores - This is the newest scheme I have come up with. I put together a chart. I know you can buy charts that are already squared up, but I just took a posterboard and a yardstick and made my own boxes. Basically, there are certain required things that the children must do, non-negotiable. I've included them on my chart because if they do them with a cheerful attitude they get a point. For each of the assignments, I have decided how many points can be accumulated per week. I add up all the points at the end of the week, divide it by the total amount of points available, then multiply that by the amount the child would earn if they have all the points for the week. This way, I am able to pay a fair price for the chores they do cheerfully. I also keep it up next to the kitchen, where I can monitor it. In the past, we've tried putting charts up on kid's doors, and they tend to get forgotten. (I can't be bothered to walk from room to room with stickers.) This is much more efficient as they just tick off the box if they accomplish it in the day. For my children over 12, they are required to tick their own boxes for the day. That way, there is some responsibility. When the day is over, I lock in their points, so we don't have kids coming back at the end of the week saying, "Well, on Tuesday, I finished my piano." The only issue I have found with this system is that the kids might think I'm paying them to do their regular chores, practicing and homework. I have tried to make it clear that it is a packaged deal. There are certain things that are expected in the family, and if they complete those things, they receive an allowance. If they don't, they get docked. In addition, they are expected to pay a tithe on their earnings, put some into savings and pay for gifts for friends and family and any social activities.

So, this is how the math works. Ethan has the potential to earn $30 per week and has 42 points possible. If he completes 30 points, I divide 30/42 = .71. So he earns 71% of the $30. The equation here is .71*30 = $21.43. I told them I will always round down to the nearest dollar. So, he earns $21 for that week. I hope that makes sense.

Here is a picture of my amazing chart!

Let me know if any of this is helpful and other ideas you have for teaching kids the value of work and money. I think it's important to change things up frequently with chore charts and allowance schemes. Kids generally get a little excited if there is a new program started at home. So, have fun with it. I have found that even though kids complain about doing chores around the home, they are generally cheerful once the chores are completed. Service also tends to breed love, because service is love. When my kids are helping out, they aren't always loving and happy, but I always find it interesting that on the days I have been the most critical about their assignments are the days they come back and shower me with hugs and kisses and "I love you's". Is that weird?

Time

Ethan calculated the other day there are 8,760 hours in a year. We call him the human calculator.
I've been thinking about time lately and what we do with our time. Often, I seem to run out of time and I wonder if I'm using every hour I have effectively. This is a constant struggle. The best use of our time changes constantly. Here are a few rules, I've learned along the way (or am currently learning).
1. When you have children at home, don't schedule anything for at least 2 hours after lunch. Be at home. Have your kids read if they are older and the younger ones should nap. Quiet time is prime time.
2. Be there when your kids get home from school. Tell them how glad you are that they are home and listen to everything they want to tell you with interest. This is not a waste of time. It can actually save time in the long run. Kids that are listened to generally are better listeners.
3. Don't over schedule yourself or your children. This is a tough one to balance. Kids need to be busy and productive, but there is a limit. I've learned this lesson recently and have started cutting back on our activities. I had a friend who's rule was one sport and one instrument and one club or church group. I thought that was a really good rule, but had to add "everyone in our family plays the piano".
4. Involve your children in setting a schedule. Even really young children like to be a part of setting their schedule. It's fun for everyone to tick something off a list. I have a whiteboard subdivided into 4 parts. Each section is for one of the kids. Ethan and I keep his calendar on Google calendars and we both update it as we need to. Nearly every day, I or they write each child's schedule on the board. I put everything in; their chores, their study time, their activities, bedtime. Here is an example of my 6-year-old's schedule for today:
7:00 - Morning chores (say prayers/make bed/put away pajamas/get dressed/eat breakfast/brush teeth)-they follow a chart for morning and evening chores I made 5 years ago.
7:30 - Practice piano
8:30 - Shoes/hat and bag on and off to school
3:15 - Homework/snack/reading with Mom
4:00 - Put laundry away
4:15 - First Grade Core with Mom (Just supplementing some American stuff for him)
4:30 - Journal (just a few sentences to practice writing)
4:45 - Make lunch/pack bag/clean room/clean zone
5:30 - Reading Eggs (A great internet site to teach reading) - we ended up in the backyard today though playing "Mother May I" instead
6:00 - Evening Chores (Dinner/Scriptures/Prayers/Pajamas/Teeth/Clothes away)
7:00 - Read
8:00 - Bed
Sometimes he'll make his own list and tick things off as he goes. We are flexible of course, but this gives us somewhere to go and we can make sure that we are filling our time with the most important things.
5. Set your priorities for time (don't let anything get in the way of these!)
-Family and Personal Prayers (morning and night) Ethan goes to Seminary at 5:50, so we get the older children up at 5:45 for morning prayers and pray a second time with the rest of them at 7:30. At night, we try to clean up dinner and say prayers and read scriptures while everyone is together.
-Family Home Evening. Every Monday night we spend together having a lesson, game, treat, talents and singing. These are great times for us to have lessons on things we need to work on in our family. We also discuss family business at these meetings.
-Family and Personal Scripture Study
-Family Dinner - Whatever we are having we always try to have everyone there for dinner. I had a friend who's husband didn't get home til 8:00 most nights, so she had dinner when the kids got home from school with them, and when Dad got home, they would have a night snack with Dad before going to bed.
6. Keep on top of the housework - determine how long it takes you to get your house under control and do it every day. Believe me you will function much better in a clean home. I spend about an hour in the morning getting the house back in order after the monkeys are off to school. This is my method: First, I throw a load of laundry in the washer. Ashlee's chore is to separate all the laundry every night for me so it's easy for me to throw a load in. Next, I clean the kitchen. I race myself to see how fast I can get it in order. Then, I take a laundry hamper from room to room, putting things in their home as I go. If I find something that doesn't belong in the room, I throw it in the laundry hamper, then move to the next room (Thanks Andrea for this great tip!) Once everything is picked up, I plug in the vacuum with a long extension cord (where the extension cord meets the vacuum plug, tie a knot, so they don't come apart). The extension cord allows me to vacuum the entire house without having to unplug the vacuum and plug it in somewhere else (thus saving TIME). Then, I spend another half hour cleaning something specific space, i.e. the bathrooms, mopping the floors, dusting baseboards, kitchen cabinets, etc. I am generally ready to go after an hour and a half in my house. Everybody's house is different. I have 6 kids that keep me on my toes and 2 little ones including one in the midst of potty-training at home that follow me around and mess up what I've just cleaned or have emergencies. Most people probably wouldn't need this much time. I definitely feel more at ease when my house is in order though.
7. Serve someone every day. I admit, that I often use my family as my source for service, but I feel much better if I do something nice for someone else, even if it's just sending an e-mail, text, fb or thank you card.
8. Do something for yourself for at least 30 minutes daily - lately that has been exercise for me, but I also like to play the piano and blog and write poetry.
This is a constantly evolving list but I think this summarizes what I feel is the best use of my time. It's all about balance. There is simply not enough time to do all the good things you could be doing. Somedays I have to throw out getting my house clean because of an appointment or shopping or a friend or kids who needs me. Sometimes I have to spend half a day cleaning because it didn't get done the day before. Adding time for one activity necessarily takes the place of another activity and that is fine. I just try to keep the balance.
I think that a home is always more harmonious when mother sings the melody. I find if I keep things in balance and use my time effectively, I can much more easily keep peace at home.

The Whitsunday Adventure

One night, nearly a year ago, Robert whispered "For my 40th birthday, I think it would be really great to sail the Whitsundays". Thus began the adventure that ended not a bit as we thought it would. What could be more romantic then spending a whole week alone with your best friend and husband. We prepared well by taking a class, organizing a sail guide for a day, reading 3 different books, practicing tying knots and avoiding any movies or books involving death or storms at sea. I bought the cute new swim togs, sunglasses, organized the food and had everything perfect.

The night we were leaving was deceptively calm. We knew the forecast called for a little wind, but you can't sail without wind, right? We also saw that a few showers were forecast as well. No big deal, you sail to another side of the island and it will be clear, right?

The next morning was a little brisk, but we boldly sailed forth with our sail guide, Kate, and our skipper, Robert, at the helm. We hoisted the main sail, learned to tie reefs in the line and felt comfortable with the wind and the waves. We dropped Kate at Daydream Island and headed for Nara Inlet. 

You can't imagine what it is like to be so involved in the lives of 6 children and a husband, and suddenly to not have that responsibility. Robert's sister had flown over from the states to stay with the monkeys. The isolation was wonderful. Robert would tell you that the food was one of the best parts of the vacation. I had planned some great meals and as I'm used to cooking for 8, we had a great deal of food. 

After the visit to the Aboriginal Caves at Nara Inlet by the Ngaro people, we tried to tie off at another, rockier shore. We had bought beautiful reef shoes to explore the shores, which we forgot on the boat. I learned first-hand why people wear reef shoes on the rocks and spent the remainder of the trip with the bottom's of my feet in band-aids. 

It started to rain shortly after that and rained that night although our night was relatively calm in this inlet. The next morning dawned overcast and we made our way out of the inlet and up the western coast of Hook Island. We hoisted sail around the point and had a good time riding the wind on a beam reach. Just a little rocky as the wind had picked up some. We went a little farther out to sea to pull in the sails as we planned to moor and do a little snorkeling. The ropes wrapped a little around the headsail, but we felt we had everything tied up, so headed into shore. Suddenly a large gust of wind ripped the headsail out with ropes flinging everywhere. The ropes got more tangled and neither of us knew what to do. The wind was blowing at 25 knots and we were having all sorts of trouble keeping the boat headed into the wind. I haven't prayed so hard in a very long time. I am certain the Lord answered my prayers when the sails suddenly caught wind in the right direction and untangled the ropes from the sail. We were able to pull the headsail in and that was the end of our sailing.

We made it to shore and did some snorkeling. It was very cold! Luckily we had wetsuits on. The coral was every brilliant blue, orange, green, yellow, pink you could imagine. The fish were amazing colors and designs. My favorite was the Emperor, a large, bright, red fish with white mouth. After motoring back to Stonehaven, we spent a very rocky night on board Fizzle-gig. But, the food was good! The next morning we attempted to go back to Nara Inlet where we might at least get a better night sleep. Robert, as skipper, bravely took us out in 30 knot winds around the point. The waves were pounding our ship with force and we came crashing over 3-4 meter waves. We finally made the decision to head back to our moor at Stonehaven and radio for a rescue. We spent that day moored at Stonehaven and explored the shore. There were definitely breaks in the clouds and when we could get out of the wind, the sun was quite pleasant. We found a sanctuary for beautiful butterflies and saw prints from a wallaby.

After another rocky night, I was determined to get home, so took the helm and held on tight through the point where the waves were most rocky. I didn't want to let Robert take the wheel as I knew he would most likely turn back and I wanted to get back. All I could do was to sing. I sang every hymn I could think of. Finally, I got us around the point and to a place I felt Robert wouldn't turn back and let him at it. I sat at the top of the stairs and just tried to keep from getting sick. The wind picked up more than 30 knots and the swells were up to 4 meters high. We would get rocked nearly on one side only to be picked up on the other, then come crashing down on top of the waves. We were now going wind over tide which means we were against the wind and the tide was going against the wind. This made for a very rocky ride. At one point, one of the cupboard latches came loose and all the plates and dishes came crashing down and shattered on the floor. As I tried to salvage the dishes that hadn't completely been destroyed, I had to come above board where I efficaciously lost my breakfast.

We made it back to the marina in one piece. The best part of the adventure was that evening after we had gone on a walk and had dinner. We talked about the kinds of things going through our minds as we were fearing for our lives. We laughed for a good half hour and continued to giggle all evening long.

We came home to a house full of sick kids, grey skies and the coldest June Brisbane has seen since 1973. As Kyle (9-year-old) put it to Ingrid when she got back from taking us to the airport to find milk and cereal all over the floor "And you thought you were coming on vacation..."

Sometimes life doesn't go exactly as planned, but in the end all you can do is laugh! I'm glad I have my best friend to laugh with.

Coming soon....All the incredible anecdotes and analogies Robert and I thought up as a result of this adventure. It should keep us with plenty of material for talks and lessons for a very long time.

Oh, and maybe you're asking, boy...will they ever sail again? The morning of our departure we woke up to clear skies and waters and were both thinking, "Maybe we ought to take her out."

Faith

Here is THE FABULOUS PLAN FOR RAISING SPIRITUAL, WELL-BEHAVED AND CIVILIZED CHILDREN. This is the Faith installment. Of course, this plan is still in the beginning stages and is as yet completely tested, but it's better than nothing. Let me know how it works for you.

Develop a Testimony of Jesus Christ

Scripture Study

Age 0-3 – Be there during scripture study, tell stories from the scriptures

Age 3-5 – Read scriptures with family repeating after parent

Age 6 – Read as much as possible with family on own during family scripture study

Age 8 –

1. Receive first copy of scriptures with much pomp and circumstance
2. Personal scripture study begins with Book of Mormon – Reads with a buddy (devotional with older sibling or with mom or dad) Can be on own next to buddy. Buddy teaches child how to study properly, marking, journaling, praying. Set a time daily to do this and set timer so it only takes a set amount of time (10 minutes)
3. Continue Family scripture study

Age 12 – Continue personal scripture study on own

Age 14 –

1. Begin Seminary
2. Start a Seminary journal if haven’t already and write thoughts about what you are reading
3. Memorize Scripture Mastery (10 minutes a day following scripture study time, set a timer)

Prayer

Age 0-3 –

1. Pray for them
2. Allow them to be there during family prayers
3. Tell them often that Jesus and Heavenly Father love them
4. Show them pictures often of Jesus telling them who it is and that they are loved

Age 2-6 –

1. All the above
2. Parent pray with child, giving them words to repeat.
3. Parent models proper prayer terms and things to pray for; 3 things to be grateful, 3 things to ask for self, 3 things to ask for someone else
4. Include child in family prayer queue
5. Give them opportunities to pray for food, etc

Age 6

1. All the above
2. Pray aloud at bedtime and in the morning

Church Attendance

Age 0-3 –

1. Taken out of meetings only if very fussy.
2. Sits on lap in hallway, no playing in Nursery.
3. No snacks during Sacrament Meeting

Age 3-7 –

1. Attends Primary activities
2. Quiet drawing and sew cards, etc allowed after Sacrament
3. Reverence expected during Sacrament, may lean on Mom or Dad but not lie on bench

Age 8-12

1. All of the Above
2. Faith in God –  at least15 minutes every Sunday
3. Sits up during Sacrament Meeting. No leaning.
4. Scouts or Achievement Days Attendance

Age 12

1. Personal Progress/Duty to God
2. Attend all mutual activities and service projects
3. No reading or activities during Sacrament Meeting. Quietly listening to speakers. May take notes

***Confession: No, I don't do all of these things with my children, but I do some of them and I think I would like to do all of them, but as mentioned earlier, there is simply not enough time in the day, so try a few. It can't hurt***

The three most important things you can do with your family to increase faith is
1. Family Prayer
2. Family Scripture Study
3. Family Home Evening
Actually, I would probably add Family Dinner to that as well.

Tips for Successful Marriage

So, Robert was giving me a hard time the other night about trying to give people advice on marriage and family. I've stopped writing in my blog because of that in the past. I never wanted anyone to think I had it all figured out and I never wanted anyone to feel that I thought I did. But, recently, I’ve come to the determination that if everyone felt that way, only the arrogant would ever publish a book, write a talk or a lesson. So, at the risk of feeling as if I've come off as being arrogant, I'll share the few things that have helped me in my marriage, realizing that no two people, nor two marriages are the same. Still, if nobody ever wrote down what worked for them, nobody would ever benefit except the person it worked for (does that make any sense?).

1. Your spouse cannot make you happy. - I learned this shortly after I was married. I thought once we were married, I would blissfully trot off with Robert into a garden of perpetual joy where he would shower me with praise, think all my ideas were the best he had ever heard, agree with me on everything and do everything he could to make me happy. Well, the truth is, Robert did everything he could to make me happy. And, he continues to do everything he can to make me happy. Then, why was I not always blissfully happy? It came as quite the revelation to me one day in the depths of my despair that Robert wasn't in charge of making me happy. Only I could make myself happy. Happiness is a choice. Sometimes people may say unkind things to you or sometimes even your spouse will disappoint you, but it is how you react that makes the difference in your life. If someone hurts your feelings for some reason, so what? Will it make anyone feel any better to belittle or make them feel bad about themselves? Let it go! Choose to be happy.

2. Selfishness always kills the relationship. The golden rule applies here. Try it for a while and see what happens. If you want him to show you more respect, show him more respect. If you want him to speak more softly to you, speak more softly to him. If you want him to be more tender with you, be more tender with him. Think of his needs before you think of your own. You might feel in the beginning that you are getting walked over, but don’t despair, unless you’re married to a tyrant (and then sometimes, even if you are), it will be reciprocated. You don’t have anything to lose for trying it out. Be less selfish. Charity is the antithesis of selfishness. If you serve and care for a person with all your heart, you will love that person. It doesn’t always matter if they love you back, but it will make you happier to have good feelings for that person.

3. Never stop flirting! Remember what it was like to fall in love with your husband, and use some of the same tactics you used then. They will still work. Send him love notes in his lunchbox or work bag. Call him during the day just to say “I love you”. Sometimes when Robert kisses me, I’ll say “Can I have another please?” Do it, even if you don’t currently feel that way about him. There was a time in my marriage when things sort of started to go stale. We’d been married for about 10 years and with 3 young kids around, I wasn’t really flirting and not even that interested most of the time. I read a book by Merrilee Boyack-Browne called “Strangling Your Husband is Not an Option”. I highly recommend this book to anyone in the same predicament. It reminded me among other things to fall in love with my husband again. From that moment on, our marriage continued to improve and continues to get better with the years.

4. Practice Communicating. Find things that are interesting to both of you and talk about it together. Stay up to date on news or books so you feel smart, and talk about the things you’re learning with your spouse. Caution: Men can only concentrate on one thing at a time (i.e. Men have boxes in their brains and women have a ball of wire--See Mark Gungor’s talk on Men’s Brain, Women’s Brain http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BxckAMaTDc). So, if your husband is busy working on something else, wait until he has finished and then talk to him. If you’re not interested in anything he is interested in, choose something!! I read The Wall Street Journal and discuss articles I read with my husband. It comes in handy too, when I’m talking to professional people who think I’m “just a mom”. I think I sometimes surprise people that I know something about current events. If he’s more into sports, get into sports. I have sisters and sisters-in-law that are bigger sports fans than their husbands and they are able to share the passion with their husband. Yes, you may have to sacrifice some of your passions to get to know his, but isn’t a good marriage about sacrifice? And, yes you will think it is one sided, but it’s not. He is sacrificing for you whether you always see it or not.

5. Don’t ever sleep on the couch or make him sleep on the couch. Have a rule that you will always work it out before you go to sleep. This was Robert’s rule, not mine. But, he is right, and even though I generally need a little more time to let it go, I am always glad to wake up next to him in the morning after we’ve worked things out.

6. Even if you don’t feel like being intimate, do it anyway and decide to enjoy it. If you are enjoying it, he will. ‘nuff said!

7. Learn your spouse’s love language and use it. You can refer to a wonderful book by Gary Chapman “The Five Love Languages”. It really does work.

8. When arguing, try to avoid using infinitives like always and never. They will always come back to haunt you.

9. You will not agree on everything. Pick what is really important to you and work towards a compromise, listening to your spouse’s arguments and being humble enough to adjust when necessary. Surprisingly enough, I wasn’t always right and my ideas weren’t always the best idea. I also went through a period where I felt I was never right and that was frustrating. I shared this with Robert and he has since tried to help me see when I am right.

The one thing Robert wants more than anything is for me to be happy. When I’m happy, he is. When he sees me happy, he does more things to continue this pattern, thus improving our marriage. Don’t ever manipulate your husband, (remember charity). But, understanding this pattern can change things around for you. Don’t worry if everything isn’t completely fair. Life is not fair from our vantage point. In the end things will even out though. You can’t give without receiving in the end as long as receiving is not the reason you give.

One of the best books I have ever read on relationships is “Bonds that Make us Free” by Terry Warner. What I got from this book was that charity is the key to all relationships. If you look at a person in the very best light, give them the opportunity to change and become better, you will develop better relationships because people tend to try to measure up to your expectations. I know that I am constantly working on ways to improve myself. I believe everybody is doing the same thing. Whether it’s true or not is irrelevant. If it changes your view of that person, you will come out better.

Family Values

I was talking to a friend of mine at rugby tonight. We started talking about values and passing them on to your children. I told her that we have a definite plan for our children and it makes certain issues easier to deal with. For instance, I told her, we don't have to worry as much about the kind of movies our young kids watch because we have a rule that if you're not 13 or older, you don't watch PG-13 movies. Of course, there are always a few PG movies I have problems with too, so we take those on a case by case basis. She asked me what I do when all their friends get to watch the movie, and they don't, and I told her they just don't get to watch it and it's too bad. They don't really miss anything. I don't get too hung up on peer pressure.

Of course, I told her my children weren't perfect and we were definitely a work in progress. It's a good thing I made that disclaimer because not 5 minutes later, Ammon punched another kid in the face. We have since determined he was not angry, just being silly. We're working a little on his impulsiveness though.

Anyway, I thought I'd share our family values here. I am currently making a list of how to teach these values to your children. They will be forthcoming on this blog.

1. Faith
2. Charity - Service/Family Relationships/Communication
3. Responsibility - this was a big one for my dad
4. Integrity
5. Hard Work
6. Uplifting Music
7. Education
8. Wholesome Recreation
9. Talent Development
10. Health

I might add or change this list as necessary, but I believe most of what I want my children to learn in life is contained in this list. I'll explain in future blogs how I apply these things in my home.

I think it's vital to have a plan when raising a family. Of course, the destination is the most important thing, so looking at where you want to end up, is a good idea. Personally, I want all my children to be happily married to someone they love, have a good job that they enjoy doing, enjoy being around their parents and siblings and to be faithful in church service with a firm testimony of Christ. That would make me truly happy. Once the destination is determined, you just walk backward from there to make the list of things that are most important to your family.